Someday, Maybe
by Starrika
Summary: She finds out she's pregnant two days before she receives the call from Coulson. A Natasha POV for the movie. Same headcanon as The Nine Lives of Natasha Romanoff, but that's not a necessary read.


She finds out she's pregnant two days before she receives the call from Coulson. She's at a Planned Parenthood over the river in Jersey, and the nurse there has the good sense not to chirp the news as if it were a blessed event. Even though she and Clint had talked about children, it's always been a i_someday, maybe/i_ thing. That's why she still has her IUD. She's in the middle of a big sting, and Clint is all the way out west on an assignment with a security clearance so high, she shouldn't even know about it. Coulson had given her a rough idea what it entailed though, and had even passed her a secure phone so she can have sporadic calls with Clint, which is more than what other agents would get under the circumstances.

Her knee-jerk reaction is an abortion, but Natasha knows she has to finish her assignment before doing anything that would take her out of the field, even if only for a day. They're too close, and she's too embedded, to drop out now. And for all that she knows Clint will tell her the choice is hers, Natasha wants to tell him first before going through with it. She doesn't like to keep secrets from him, not when so much of their lives is already verboten. So she takes the paperwork from the clinic and files it away in the back of of a drawer. In a way, she even appreciates the delay. It gives her time to think. She wants a child, but she's just not sure she wants one now. Her assignment will be over in a few short weeks. She has time.

And then Coulson calls.

She doesn't feel pregnant. In the movies, it seems that from the moment of conception, women are constantly throwing up or craving odd combinations of food, like peanut butter and pickles. Natasha merely feels tired, bone tired. With the jetlag associated with jumping from New York to India, she's not sure if it's her pregnancy at all. A few of the agents around her are doing souped-up SHIELD versions of an energy shot, but Natasha declines. She's not sure how her usual tricks will react with her body now that she's pregnant, and she doesn't want to risk upsetting its precarious equilibrium, not now, and not with so much at stake.

She feels like throwing up when she meets Dr. Banner, but she's pretty sure it's because of the sheer terror of meeting the Hulk, rather than from the baby inside her. If this were a normal assignment, she and Clint would get Coulson back for this, and maybe swap out his office ties with truly hideous prints Clint had found somewhere on Canal Street. But Coulson is halfway across the world retrieving Tony Stark, and Clint is somewhere Natasha can't dwell on.

In the back of her mind, Natasha had always thought it would be her going rogue - never Clint. The thought leaves her mouth dry, and she can hear a few of the other agents with her muttering about how much water she's been drinking. She shoots them a dirty look and tries to keep up a steady stream of innocuous chitchat with Dr. Banner, mainly for her own preservation. She'd rather that he not Hulk out on the short flight back to New York, and it helps keep her mind off of Clint – and the baby.

Stuttgart is a shitshow, as Clint liked to say. Loki surrenders far too easily, and when Rogers has to go charging after Stark, Loki, and the newest alien god, Natasha nearly throws her hands up in frustration. Instead, she calls Hill up on her comm and bitches at her in Portuguese so her co-pilot Agent Waverly can't eavesdrop. Hill is just the right blend of sarcastic and sympathetic, but unfortunately, she doesn't have any updates on Loki's base of operations. It's expected, but disappointing all the same.

As she pilots the plane back to the helicarrier, Natasha desperately wishes she could down one of SHIELD's pick-me-ups. She increasingly feels as if she's moving at half-time, rather than her usual speed. She tries not to think about the statistics: she knows there's a good chance she won't get Clint back at all. It gnaws at her. They may not even find a body. She doesn't want a baby, Without Clint, she doesn't want a baby. Natasha has no illusions about her past; she's sure she will be a terrible mother. But without Clint, this baby is her only link to him. Natasha doesn't think she can let that go.

Running on pure adrenaline is hell on the body. Even without the caffeine and other stimulants coursing through her, Natasha is jittery and alternates between feeling like she's starving or going to be sick. She steals away for a moment to down a few MREs, missing Clint's usual commentary on the state of the food. A hard lump settles in her throat, and Natasha tries to tell herself it's from the mysterious sandwich-like thing rather than the circumstances. Natasha chugs down another bottle of water, and Agent Cartwright gives her the side-eye in the hallway. She flips him the bird, like Clint would, before rejoining the group; she's definitely asking Hill to put Cartwright on scut duty after this is over.

There's a rising level of tension with Loki aboard the Helicarrier. Natasha feels ill again, this time blaming the MRE, as she's never had a soft stomach for these type of things before. It's easy to fake the tears in front of Loki, telling more truths than lies when she gets him to talk. Although he knows her past and her fears, Loki doesn't seem to know much about her present life at all. Either Clint has had the presence of mind to withhold their relationship, or Loki hadn't thought to ask. Natasha hopes for the former, and gives Loki a mocking smile as she thanks him for his cooperation. Ducking into a bathroom on the way back to Fury, Natasha vomits the food she just ate With shaking hands, she cups a few gulps of water to rinse her mouth out, and keeps moving. Between Clint's absence and the presence of Dr. Banner, the entire situation has her rattled. Natasha hates it; the one thing she's always been able to rely on is her self-control. And now, nothing is in her control: not SHIELD, not Clint, and not even her own body. It's terrifying.

It gets worse. Things are a blur as the Hulk rampages through the Helicarrier. She throws herself into apprehending Clint, knowing that most would shoot to kill rather than keep him alive. The pragmatic part of her knows that even if he's not able to be returned to himself mentally, it's still better to have him alive for the intel. But the small voice in the back of her head, the one she tries to keep at bay during missions, desperately hopes she can save him. There has to be a way to bring him back. Now, more than ever, she needs him. Their baby needs him.

Clint picks up on her presence quickly, and she's relieved to be fighting him in close quarters. She has the advantage here, knowing all of Clint's tics. If the tables were turned, and he was stalking her again, she's not sure she'd live through it a second time. Natasha is more vicious than she needs to be, but she's suddenly so very angry at him that not even a confused i_Tasha/i_ keeps her from knocking him out. She's furious at him for getting caught up in this mess, and even more furious with herself for feeling this way. When she has him restrained in the medbay, Natasha lets her knees give out, sinking onto the edge of the bed. Her ankle is throbbing, and she feels light-headed. Drawing a long breath, Natasha slowly exhales and tries to find her equilibrium once more. She doesn't want to get her hopes up yet; there's no guarantee that Clint will be lucid when he comes to.

But he is – and Natasha feels a sudden rush of relief. She has to get up and get him a cup of water, afraid her face will uncharacteristically give it all away. Against protocol, she takes off his restraints, but Natasha knows Clint and she can tell he's back to himself, mentally battered but whole. He's a solid presence next to her on the bed but Natasha sighs, avoiding his eyes when they talk. She settles for the half-lies she told Loki, unwilling to expose herself where SHIELD has thousands of eyes and ears. She's not even sure how to put what she's feeling into words. From the look on his face, Clint can tell she's lying, but he doesn't push it. Instead, he sits down next to her in the cockpit as they go off on their shoestring plan to save the world. Natasha thinks it's the most reckless idea she's ever had, joining these "Avengers," but it's beyond revenge for Clint at this point. She has a baby to think about now. A baby who, if she goes through with it, deserves a world free from some megalomaniac with daddy issues.

It's almost like a regular mission, with Clint's easy maneuvering of the plane and barbed comments, but the surreal tower of light in Manhattan keeps Natasha hyper-focused. They have to end this. When Clint ends up making a rough landing with the plane, Natasha tries to shake off the continuing queasiness in her stomach and the tiredness in her bones. She'd accepted a back-in-action shot for her ankle, back on the Helicarrier, but declines Clint's offer of one of SHIELD's pick-me-ups. With all the blows she's taken today, Natasha's not even sure she's still pregnant at this point, but she'd rather not chance it. She'd rather not have a baby with eight limbs from whatever SHIELD puts in those things. Clint gives her another concerned look, but they're too busy dealing with the Chitauri to do anything but shoot. With the arrival of Dr. Banner, the tide seems to turn, and Natasha begins to believe they aren't on a suicide mission.

It's a brutal fight. Natasha knows she is going to be one big bruise the next day, if she makes it out alive, but that doesn't stop her from throwing herself onto one of the Chitauri aircrafts. While regimes rise and fall every day, she takes exception to regimes that kidnap her husband.

She feels a rush of elation in the stairwell of Stark's tower when she sees Clint, battered but alive. He's covered in cuts and shards of glass, looking winded from the climb. The lump in her throat loosens, and Natasha runs down to meet him on the landing. Throwing her arms around him, she can hear Clint give a hiss of pain even as he snakes his arms around her waist. Closing her eyes, Natasha tucks her head into his neck to take a deep breath. She steps back after a moment, not meeting Clint's eyes. She's afraid he will somehow be able to look at her face and _know_. It's not a conversation she wants to be having in the field. However, all Clint does is raise an eyebrow at her unusual display of affection before gesturing her forward to the door.

Loki is dumped into Fury's lap to deal with, as the device that can send Thor and Loki home needs some tinkering. Natasha's not sure Dr. Selvig should be working on anything right now, but she keeps that observation to herself and heads to what's left of Medical to get her ankle taped up.

She's watching one of the nurses pick glass out of Clint's arm when Stark comes bursting in, babbling once more about shawarma. She tilts her head in Clint's direction, and he shrugs, so Natasha stands up. Food does sound good, which helps temper her reaction to Stark pumping his fists exuberantly. She can get along with just about anyone, but Stark works her last nerve even on good days.

The shawarma is actually decent. Clint slides his leg in behind her on her chair and Natasha relaxes a bit, leaning against him. She wants nothing more than to glue herself to his side, but she has never been one for public displays of affection. It will have to wait. No one is saying much – Rogers is half asleep in his slices of lamb, but Natasha is _starving_. Once she finishes her pita, she starts picking at Clint's plate, ignoring the eyebrows Stark keeps waggling at her. The food helps a bit, but she is still so tired all she can think about is blackout curtains and down pillows. Instead, they have to go back to SHIELD to collect Loki from Fury before carting him to Central Park, of all places. Natasha doesn't even bother to ask why the Tesseract will only work in that particular spot. Deciphering i_scientist-ese/i_ has never been her favorite thing; she'll just read Coulson's report in plain English later.

Clint is tense on the ride over; the streets look like a war zone. Natasha can see the dark circles under his eyes and wonders how long it has been since he slept. She rather doubts Loki let his captives have naptime. Sighing again, Natasha feels that lump return to the back of her throat. It's finally sinking in, that she might have lost him. However, she can keep it together during a mission. She knows all she has to do is make it through for another hour, and then she can hide away in one of her boltholes for a few days to process the last few days and to decide how she feels about the baby before she tells Clint. She just needs a bit of time.

Things change when she sees the look Loki is giving Clint at the park. Clint is so tense beside her, Natasha thinks he might break or blow a blood vessel. Usually, Clint is the one for witty observations and terrible puns. Natasha's never quite had the right humor for it. i_In Soviet Russia, jokes tell you/i_, as Clint would say. Natasha can never get her timing right. But she knows it isn't good, whatever is running through his head right now. She needs a diversion.

"So it turns out you have some super sperm, Barton."


End file.
